This is a very common condition. I won't say problem because millions have satisfactory sex under these conditions I'm sure. I've found it very common, like maybe 50% of women I've encountered in a sexual way. I get a lot of hits on this page more than any other on my website except headaches.
First thing is that you mustn't feel inferior (if you're a woman) because it doesn't work like you think it should. You have lots of company. Men can be very fast to climax, not giving the woman time to reach a peak. This is especially true of young men, but it can be with older men too. You should be able to climax within 30 seconds or so of thrusting by the man. If he can't hold off that long, the best thing to do is have your first climax by finger manipulation. Then have him go inside. Maybe you can come again. While oral stimulation for a woman is the most powerful, the danger from the human papilloma virus she may carry today is too great, and I don't advise it. Cancer of the mouth can result.
A second possible solution, if the man is young, is have him get erect after he's come and penetrate you again. He should be slower the second time.
A third possibility is have the man on his back and you sit on him. He doesn't get as much stimulus from your whole body that way, and should be slower to come. And sitting upright you can position him just where it feels the best and/or stimulate yourself with your fingers. You know right where the sensitive spot is and how much pressure and how fast to rub it. He can do it for you if you are averse to stimulating yourself, but I suggest you get over that. Make it work whatever it takes.
Another way is for the woman to be on her knees, head down so the man can penetrate her vagina from behind, reaching around to massage her clitoris while thrusting. This builds an association between coming and having the man inside. Eventually just vaginal penetration and thrusting may be enough in any position.
Now if you are really slow to climax by any means and you want to try to change that condition, here's what you might try.
The cause is most likely guilt you accepted from mother's admonitions or guilt you laid on yourself. Do the best you can with exercises I have on my websites to get rid of that guilt.
.If you can't get the guilt out, what you need to do is build an association between the man being inside and your coming, as previously described.. I assume you can come reasonably easily with finger manipulation, either yours or your partner's. Any way you can come with the man inside or partly inside while you or he stimulates your clitoris is OK.
You may need to do some gymnastics by getting into a position where the man can do his thrusting and the clitoris can be manually stimulated at the same time. That's mostly true when he is on top. With you on top it's a lot easier.
I have done it with me on top, with the woman sitting on me while I am on my back, and sideways, where one of the woman's legs is up above the man's and the other is sandwiched between his legs. This allows him to thrust and to stimulate the clitoris with his fingers at the same time he's thrusting. However you can get into position is OK, even doggie style with the man reaching around and stimulating with his fingers. You must build the association between the man being inside and your coming. In time, hopefully, the association will be strong enough that properly stimulated and receptive, the woman will be able to come with the man inside, if he's slow enough. ALWAYS, the man should be talking to you as described on previous pages.
I believe that in whatever position you use, a lot of the stimulation that results in climax comes from the clitoris. But the sensations come from the walls of the vagina as well. Very few women are not clitorily sensitive. So when the man is thrusting, he is causing the tissue around and over the clitoris to rub against it as well as stimulating tissue inside the vagina. As a woman, you must keep your mind on whatever good feelings you can find, and by doing so you can cause them to intensify. What you have to overcome is the mind set that you probably have due to perhaps years of failure to climax with the man inside. This may have come about because young men are usually quite fast to climax and women aren't. And at first, there may have been guilt or fear keeping you from responding. Our culture does that to us.
Probably your first successes without finger stimulation will be with the man on top so that as he thrusts inward he gives stimulation to the clitoris from the side friction and from the base of the penis and pubic area. Hopefully, with practice, a woman will feel more and more stimulated with less finger manipulation. Again, a good climax for a woman is mostly a result of her mind being in the right place. Be SURE there is adequate lubrication. A number of products are available. Drug stores have them as "personal lubricants." Dryness and pubic hair in the wrong place is a deterrent. I recommend that you first get to the point of being able to have multiple orgasms with finger manipulation by your partner, orgasms separated by not more than a few minutes. That may take several sessions to achieve.
Now I've been very successful with this method of getting the woman to climax with me inside her, but I ALWAYS used suggestion as well. (feels so good)
Keep in mind that a trained woman can be given big orgasms by voice alone, like by telephone. I do that still with an old friend, and could most likely do it with 3 or 4 former sex partners. I did it once with a note I sent home with a woman I had never been to bed with, but who was a pretty fair hypnotic subject.
YOUTUBE has videos of women climaxing by suggestion. Look up hypnosis and orgasm on youtube.com.
(Now at age 85, this sort of thing I don't do anymore. While I have a few sex partners, I only use my fingers and my voice. I am flattered when they say "It's the best sex I've ever had in my life.") Looking backwards, I think a sexual experience for the woman by use of the man's fingers in and around the vagina and on the nipples with appropriate verbal suggetions gives more satisfaction, more intense orgasms than I could get when I was potent. And I was very slow to climax.
So the problem of not coming easily is mostly in the mind, if your hormones are working right. You might be asking, "Can hypnosis help?" Probably. Hypnotists may be pretty leery of doing that kind of therapy for fear of getting into legal trouble. Absolutely and without any doubt, hypnoanalysis is the BEST way to fix a non- or poorly-responsive woman. I cannot do that by automation on a computer beyond what I now do.
Unfortunately, most hypnotists are hopelessly incompetent at analysis and many of their clients are difficult to get into a good therapeutic hypnotic state.
I used to use ideomotor finger signaling (lets the subconscious answer by involuntary finger movements). Later books by Leslie LeCron describe the method and also use of the pendulum as an interrogation responding device to locate the cause of the problem. Pendulum sometimes can be used by the subject alone but it's better to have someone else do the questioning while you hold the pendulum, wat ching it.
Any book by LeCron alone or LeCron and Cheek is good. They can be had used at Amazon very cheap. These were my teachers, 1956. (both deceased). They taught thousands of doctors and dentists to use hypnosis. Dr. Cheek's last book "Mind-Body Therapy" with Rossi is readily available for about $15. Cheek's writings will be obvious in the text, all medical therapy. He was an OB/GYN M.D. and you will gain much insight into hypnoanalytic methods by reading his parts of this book.
ENTERTAINMENT BREAK: A friend of mine went to Nevada to do some training in a hospital for a couple of weeks. One of the male staff members took him to a brothel. My friend is well-experienced in sex, married for 40 years or so, and about 62 years old. He is big and muscular from rowing drift boats down the river (he's a fishing guide). While they were sitting around talking to the women, one of the women came up to his side and rubbed her breasts up against his shoulder. He came in his pants. They all got a good laugh. He had to wash out his shorts before he left. No, he didn't utilize any services of the brothel. Sure proves how much coming is in the mind, doesn't it?
BACK TO BUSINESS: On one of my pages I think I told about the one-night stand with a woman friend that couldn't come with a man inside whom I fixed in one session. She was on top, sitting on me and of course I was inside her. I stimulated her clitoris with my fingers and got her aroused. When she became aroused I thrusted into her vigorously giving strong suggestions she was going to come and I got her off balance (to take her mind out of the circuit), grabbed her and pulled her down on me and she came. She couldn't believe it. After 7 times without finger stimulation she believed it. I saw her years later after she had married and she told me it was still working.
Look, unless you're really pretty old, sex is a head trip. If your head isn't in the right place, nothing is going to work right. Now you may have hormonal deficiencies or you may have old hang-ups buried in the subconscious. So a talk with your doctor is advised, tho he probably knows nothing about the psychological aspects of sex.
Naturopaths may be more knowledgeable about hormones than M.D.s That's my experience even after going to an endocrinologist for my thyroid. To find one, Google "Compounding Pharmacy" followed by your city. Then call them and ask who prescribes T3 (thyroid) or testosterone bio-identical hormones. They can give you some names and phone numbers. We have lots of them in Oregon and Washington. They will require a personal visit before prescribing and it may cost you first visit about $125 if you don't have insurance.
There are a number of products advertised to help both men and women with their sex lives.
Places to look are at:One is www.lef.org
Books on enhancing the sex experience with health-food products are available at
I used a little testosterone (prescription) which in small amounts is reputed to help women too.
But there are over-the-counter herbs you can get and other stuff, for men and women, described in books from the above sources. Look up Dr. Ray Sahelian for pretty good info and products. I really have no experience in what works for women. I only know what works for me (at age 74), and despite a devastating prostate infection after a vasectomy 35 years ago I still function and can satisfy my partner. I take androstenedione on occasion. But www.smartbasics.com has some good books and they know a lot more about it than I do---the chemical side, that is.------------------I'm now 85 and not sexually fuctional..
Now if your problem is that you're very slow to come but your orgasms are good, you have a good chance of finding the key to a better sex life. It's most likely psychological if you're under sixty five, and may be hormonal or psychological if you're much older. I recently got together with an old girlfriend, now age 64. I had trained her some 20 years ago. She takes no hormones. She functions every bit as well as she used to. Age has taken nothing away. She's super. I asked her how she had responded to other partners since we were lovers and she said that it didn't work nearly as well. Other factors entered in. I'm sure with the right partner she could have responded as well as she did with me. I'm quite slow to climax. Her husband was quite fast.
Another lady, sent to me by a girlfriend many years ago, wanted to be fixed so she could have good sex with a boyfriend. I made her into a super responder with me inside her in two therapy sessions, once in bed. She was super, with multiple, intense, easy orgasms. She later went back to her husband and I heard that she was again non-functional. She had no romantic interest in me whatsoever. It was just mechanical sex. I bring this up because so many women have the idea they must be in love to really enjoy sex. Nonsense! Sure, it's preferable, but by no means necessary. It's all in where your mind is.
So experiment, read, and try different things. Don't throw in the towel as many men and women do when they get older. Life still has lots to offer in the way of sexual pleasures for women, and for many it goes far beyond that age. I am now 85 and non-functional. Viagra hasn't worked for me.
I have two girlfriends who are 76 at least, and they perform as well as any young one. I spend several minutes with the breasts and nipples. One can climax just from nipple stimulation. I am not using hypnosis.
Down below I use my fingers and a personal lubricant. Usually, after a couple of minutes with one finger, 3 fingers go inside the vagina if it's big enough, with the thumb on the clitoris....gently, gently. (clip your nails and use an emery board to make them smooth). If she's not had a child or not had sex in years, she can be pretty tight. I have partners as young as 60 and I can tell you the older ones perform every bit as well or better, with multiple orgasms, gasping and some vocalizations. They aren't pulling the wool over my eyes. I've done sex therapy on girlfriends and a few others for at least 40 years. There is no reasonable limit to how many orgasms a woman can have, probably more with the fingers than the other way. They usually have at least 4 to 8 with me.Then I get bored and quit. My pleasure comes from seeing my partner having plesure. Because of the cancer scare of the papilloma virus, I don't do oral sex any more. It is the strongest stimulus, but now fraught with danger to the man for throat cancer.
Be sure you've read:
Women's sex problems
Also go to my youtube site (Women's Sexual Guilt) for more exercises which may help you. All free, on line.
Note: The author of this page is not a state- or medically-licensed professional.
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Copyright November 10, 20011