Every man likes to think he's a great lover, unless he's a newbie. Lovemaking technique is learned by experience. How to make love does not come overnight, and what you must do during lovemaking varies tremendously with the woman. Learning methods of sexual arousal in your partner are a part of growing together. Frigidity may be a problem, but in this day and age is usually not, unless there has been a strict religious upbringing. It is fixable if the woman is willing. Some are not.
Forget the porn movies! They show men taking a long time to come, and women in the throes of ecstasy for a long time. In the first place, young men climax quite fast, and even older ones can be that way too. In the couple of porn videos I've seen, the women are very slow to come. Most women here in the USA come once or not at all with the man inside. I would guess maybe 25% of women in the American culture can have multiple orgasms. Bottom Line You have to find out what works best for you and your partner.
The real story: Most American women are slow to climax and/or are inadequate responders and they fail to climax or their orgasms are so-so or they fake it. They usually lubricate poorly and can hurt inside without an external lubricant. Many cannot come (climax) with the man inside--only with manipulation of the clitoris.
A woman who arouses quickly and climaxes intensely and repeatedly is a real joy to be in bed with. I have encountered few of them EXCEPT those I created using the sex techniques I'm about to tell you about.
So what is it like to witness a woman climaxing intensely? What does
she do? How can you tell she isn't faking it? Easy. You pay attention
to her breathing.
Now most women get noisy when they climax--sighs, squeals, extreme passion before the actual climax. They are usually gasping for air and will break a kiss. With some, in summer you must close the windows or the neighbors will call the police, thinking you're beating her! I've been in hotels/motels/ships where the lady was so loud I expected a knock on the door at any time. (Some hotels have much better sound insulation than others) Fortunately, the last screamer I had (I was much younger then) was in a well-sound-insulated room and we squeaked by. 12 loud ones in a row. Since the 13th was a little less intense I figured she was tired and I did my thing and we quit for the night. Not all women are screamers, and most aren't. But if they come well, they do sputter, sigh and/or gasp. Paying attention to the breathing is the key!
A well-trained woman will have her first climax (come) within 30 seconds after entry or finger manipulation. In general, the longer the lovemaking build-up, the more intense the orgasm. I can give a trained woman a climax every 20 seconds or so but they aren't as intense. What's the limit? I've done 56 in a row not utilizing any hypnotic technique, mostly fingers and tongue. The woman was just a natural foreign-born woman without hang-ups. I had a married lady in my office who had bragged she had done 27 in a row, also foreign-born. I wanted to surpass that with the partner I had. No problem. After 56 orgasms she complained of being tired. We had just made an overseas flight from Oregon to Europe and were probably 20 some hours with no sleep when we started, so I quit at 56 orgasms.
Let's dispel some myths. First, newbies always want to try to come together. Don't try it as you'll be disappointed. It's always best, unless you have a well-trained, responsive partner, to give her one or more orgasms using fingers or whatever. The reason is that women new to sex can be quite slow, and the men are quite fast. These men should try adding methionine, calcium and magnesium to the diet on an empty stomach to counteract their excessive histamine.
My first girlfriend called me "Minute Man." Not much I could do about that as the excess histamine problem was not known at that time. So drop the idea of coming together. Yes, it does happen with my "superstars" but I usually give them 2 or 3 orgasms with my fingers before I ever go in, often many more. I want to please my woman, and I do all I can to accomplish that.
Second problem, the woman can't come with the man inside. Probably half the women are that way, so don't get the idea that your woman is abnormal. Things often change with time and techniques. I will give you pointers on this page:
Can't come with man inside
Also on this page are references to books and products reputed to improve the sex experience written by knowledgeable people but from a health-food or prescription drug standpoint.
Third problem: Very difficult or impossible to bring to orgasm:Assuming she is excited by you, the problem is early childhood guilt about sex or as a teen, her first sex experience. One woman I changed from difficult to bring to orgasm into a sexual superstar had gone camping with a man who later became her husband. They had sex (her first time) and she felt so guilty she cried all night. When I got that out of her (hypnosis) I took her to bed and she came many times, intensely and easily. She was about 45. She had no interest in me at all, just wanted to be fixed. I never bedded her again.
Some women are into kissing and some are not, but it's USUALLY a good start. Some women are sensitive in the nipples, some are not. There are all kinds out there. In general, do the kissing and general skin rubbing, feeling caressing and don't go directly to the clitoris. Some will titillate their own nipple while you are working on their clitoris. They may have one nipple more sensitive than the other, in fact too sensitive at certain times during the lovemaking. You have to determine where the sensitivity and the pleasures are, and how to arouse her. This takes experience with your partner. The first session or two may not be very satisfactory. With mutual interest you should make good progress. If she has emotional blocks to responding, she may need therapy. But give the methods below a good try several times.
THE ESSENTIAL INGREDIENT: You MUST talk to them!
When you're in bed with your woman, you concentrate on arousing her emotions. Forget yourself. If you're right handed, hold her in your left arm (she's on her back) and use your right hand to arouse her by caressing her skin gently, and go to places she's not usually touched, like under the arms, the shoulders, the neck. Pay attention to her breathing (without her being aware of it). YOU MUST TALK TO HER! Talk softly into her ear, saying words like "It feels so good to be loved, caressed, held closely. Feels so good." That last phrase must be given repeatedly but not mechanically. Fit it in with other patter. "Keep your mind right under my hand and feel the good feelings building up. Feels so good, so good, etc."
There are two reasons why you do this, and she must not object to your talking. First is that her mind tends to wander. If her mind goes to something else, she won't arouse. Never do this when she is upset about anything, as that occupies her thoughts and you probably won't get through. She must be relaxed and in the mood.
The second reason is that the emotions come out of the subconscious. The subconscious will almost always act upon an outside suggestion (your talk) UNLESS the suggestion is opposed by the conscious mind or she has a serious block in the subconscious. In other words, you are PROGRAMMING her subconscious to respond to your stimulation. The subconscious responds to repetitious suggestions, but vary them, using the same theme that it feels so good, is feeling better, etc. With practice she'll respond more readily and have more and more intense orgasms.
Remember, with a normal functioning woman there's essentially no limit to the number of climaxes, and by your suggestions you can make them bigger. Of course they are mostly brought on by your fingers in the vulvar area. You can't talk to her if your mouth is down there.
Use your hand over her skin and nipples at first, and be gentle. Glide by the genital area, but not in it at first. Give some stimulation from the outside. Take ten minutes or so for her to build up. Later, with external lubrication (K-Y or other personal gel from the drug store) gently massage the entire vulvar area. Use more than one finger. When you put your fingers inside her vagina, use one at first. Then you can also use your thumb to gently massage the underside of her clitoris and the clitoris itself. Be gentle and take time. Too much or not enough pressure will delay arousal. You must hear her breathing to know how much pressure to give. It can vary during the lovemaking. Rub your finger(s) on the upper part of her vagina. Tell her not to come! Just feel the good feelings. That's to take the pressure off her to perform (and maybe fake).
NOT HAVING GOOD LUBRICATION, WHICH SHE MAY NOT TELL YOU ABOUT, IS A BIG DETERRENT TO AROUSAL. Keep telling her not to come, just feel. If she's responsive, you'll hear her breathing speed up and get sporadic until she explodes. When she explodes, run your finger(s) up under and behind the pubic bone and give her both stimulation and something to come against. Stay off the clitoris or be very, very gentle. You must experiment. AND BE SURE YOUR NAILS ARE TRIMMED!
There is a sensitive spot on some women up under the pubic bone called the "G" spot. Touching that early in the lovemaking will cause some to climax. However, some of my best partners didn't have it.
If she's had a baby, even if 30 years ago, you can probably get in 3 fingers. Make SURE she is well lubricated. The more area you're gently rubbing, the better. If you just go under the clitoris with one finger they may jump and get irritated. Go to the sides and around. Be gentle, rub slowly. A good woman (trained) will climax with very little stimulation. So use minimal rubbing and more talk.
As with men, there is a period of recuperation needed after an intense orgasm. This may be a minute or more. You're still using your hands, and kissing. Stay off the clitoris for a while, even the nipples, but with your fingers you can go deep into the vagina. They aren't so sensitive there. Be SURE you have plenty of lubrication as most women don't lubricate enough.
If she can't come, she may need to add 500 mg. histidine (an amino acid) 30 minutes or so before meals. I refer you to "The Amino Revolution" by Robert Erdmann for more information on the role of amino acids in sexual function. I have no personal experience in this field.
Psychotherapy to help a woman achieve orgasm is too complicated for a program I can put on the internet. Guilt from the first sexual experience is often the root of the problem. The most difficult woman for me to work with is one who's never come in her life. Religious guilt can be at the root of it. I had a woman with a religious background in bed who had never come. With oral stimulation she got terribly excited but couldn't make it over the top. That was before I knew the methods I'm presenting to you. Oral stimulation is the most powerful, if she will allow it, as there is never a lubrication problem. You work out what works best for you and your partner. If you're older, remember the menopause, hormones, and histidine. Lacking proper hormones women can be dry and uninterested. It's no fun to try to have sex with a sack of potatoes.
One last thing. BE CLEAN, both of you. Brush your teeth. Pee BEFORE you shower. That way there are no negatives if you try oral sex. I never do anything kinky. I don't consider oral sex kinky. Careful about whisker burn. Any distraction due to smell or irritation will get in the way of a good result.
A GIMMICK:Try to get your wife to role play. Have her imagine she's a prostitute and play that role. When she doesn't have to be personally responsible for her actions, she may become less inhibited.
Many years ago my girlfriend was especially responsive one night and I found out what she had done was imagine she was a prostitute. Being a hypnotist and she was a good subject, I proceeded to use the deep trance (amnesia and hallucinatory phenomena) to change her into various other women friends or relatives of hers and then make advances. What I found was that she would respond in the way she perceived that woman would respond. As a married friend, she would push me away. Someone she knew to be easy, she would accommodate me.
I would many times change myself to Mickey Mouse (hallucinated by her) and make advances to her in her normal state and she would fight me off. This sounds terribly far-fetched unless you are familiar with deep trance phenomena. I'll finish with this. One of her relatives (hallucinated) was a better, more passionate, responsive lay than she was in her normal state. So I often had sex with the fantasied woman she was pretending to be. She had no memory of the event afterwards unless I had her recall it. Again, this is a deep-trance phenomenon and I bring it up to show the characteristics of the mind. Not just with her, but others too.
I once gave a partner the suggestion in the deep trance that she was a sex machine--a character I defined for her. Let me tell you, that short woman was so wild that I, (6'2"), could only take it for a short while. I did it only a few times because I wasn't up to it. It was too much action for me.
I know of no scholarly way to write the above so you'll understand and benefit from my extensive personal experience as a bachelor and a lay therapist (that's not a pun). I don't mean to be vulgar. I'm not writing from theory. I'm writing from therapy experience to help you to a happier sex life. I know many couples who don't have sex because the woman refuses. If it hurts her inside, she may have a yeast infection or some other medical problem only a doctor can fix. Some women have a prolapsed uterus, and it's hard to get in or get into the position you want. Some women you keep jamming into the cervix. No fun. Unfortunately, many women will not try to correct their problems and then get upset if the man finds a partner elsewhere. Such is life.
Actual possible help for these non-responding women will be found on other pages in my site, like automated telephone self-therapy and maybe streaming audio when I get around to it.
If the man comes too quickly, try this:Lie on your back. Have her insert your penis while her torso is upright. Let her do the moving. Then she can find the area and movements that feel best to her. Just wait for her to climax and then you do what you need to do to come. Talking may not be necessary.
Video website for a variety of things.
Psychological Research Foundation, Inc.
Copyright April 9, 2009
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